These jokes came from some other web site, and I don't remember which,

so here is a web-based apology for lifting these gems, with the excuse that

plagiarism is an even more sincere form of flattery than imitation!

 

 

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

 

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
- The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

 

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer? 
-The Puppy grows up and quits whining.

 

What do you get when you play new age music backwards?
-New age music.

 

Why was the piano invented? 
-So the band would have a place to set their beer.

 

How do you know when you have a singer at your door?
-Can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

 

What do you call a guitarist without a girlfriend?
-Homeless.

 

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
-Put sheet music in front of him.

 

What's the difference between a musician and a 14 inch pizza?
-The Pizza can feed a family of four.

 

How does a guitar player make a million?
-He starts out with seven million.

 

How do you get to the Catskills?
-Stop practicing.

 

What's the difference between a dead musician in the road and a dead squirrel? 
-The Squirrel was on his way to a job.

 

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
-The cello burns longer.

 

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
-Two oboes playing in unison.

 

How do you get a drummer out of your house? 
-Pay him for the pizza.

 

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? 
-A drummer.

 

What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?
-No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

 

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to
the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

What is a gentleman?
- Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

 

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
- Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

 

[this next joke was written well before 9/11]

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that
curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.  Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal.  He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card  and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."  

 

"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"

 

"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.

 

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?" Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."