ISSUE TWO

Subject: Questions for the Ages

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposite?
14. Why do 'overlook and 'oversee' mean opposite things?
15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some worthless tidbits of info that you probably did not know, probably do not need to know, but will find a bit entertaining:

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser,in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable". "
Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus, the name of the Don McLean song.)
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roomates at Harvard.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand.
The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her.
"Now I'm the boss", she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"
"Well. . .yes", he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. He did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him. Then she looked at him and said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS GENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk.
Virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone.
War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib; but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens". "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE CIA

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right person for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Morris. . . Fastest Gun in the West

Morris, as a young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So Morris walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Definitely," said the old man. Young Morris did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off he piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young Morris didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK.
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" (Classic)
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory torward people who practice Yoga?
4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. " The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
3. Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
4. If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
5. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around, is he STILL WRONG?
6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situations?
7. Is there another word for SYNONYM?
8. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
9. If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
10. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
11. Is a shelless turtle homeless, or just naked?
12. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
14. Do they use sterilized needles for Lethal Injections?
15. Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children." "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question. "What did you used to do?" "Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter."
And in she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "What did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" After some hesitation, she replied, "I was a nurse at an HMO."
You can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!!!"

MEN JOKES
How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much," a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 30 seconds.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three...one to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them too.
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions
What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded head board

Subject: Actual Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog." At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be..."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

Subject: Faith Healer
A blind man, a deaf man, and a man in a wheelchair were among the audience at a revival meeting. The visiting faith healer went into the audience, grabbed the blind man and asked hem how long it had been since he was able to see. "Years," replied t he blind man. "I can't remember the last time I saw the blue of the sky." The faith healer touched the man's eyes, shook him and cried, "Heal!" "I can see!" shouted the man.
After the crowd stopped whispering their astonishment, the faith healer proceeded to the deaf man. "How long has it been since you lost your hearing?" he signed fluently. "More than 20 years," the man signed back. The faith healer boxed the man's ears and shouted, "Heal!" The man grabbed his ears and cried out with joy. "I can hear! Dear God, I can hear!" Again the crowd whispered in amazement as the faith healer moved toward the man in a wheelchair. As the faith healer neared him, the man cried out, "Don't freakin' touch me. I'm on Worker's Comp!"