ISSUE THREE

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right. Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?" Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks: "What's your handicap? Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

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There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be.
Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.....

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:
1. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left
2. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
3. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
4. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
5. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was fllat.
6. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
7. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
8. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
11. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
12. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
13. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
14. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
15. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Signs For The Stupid
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. ³Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

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Al & Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico.," Joe thinks this is a great idea so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps., "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A PIÑATA?"

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY:
1.. "Oops."
2.. "Rats, I forgot my glasses again."
3.. "Dang it, not again."
4.. "Hey bring that back!! Bad dog. A human bone is no toy for a dog!"
5.. "Someone call the janitor, we have a BIG mess again."
6.. "Shoot, I can't get my arm out of her back. We're going to have to cut it off."
8.. "That's cool! Can you make his leg twitch?"
9.. "Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
10.. "Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"

YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT.........
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
HOW MANY DID YOU KNOW?

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An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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A Vermont farmer and a Texas farmer were talking about there operations. The Texan says, "How big's your spread?"
"Two back forties," said the Vermonter.
"Say that again, Partner?"
"Bout 80 acres," said the Vermonter in an effort to translate.
At this, the Texan let out a loud whoop, then chuckled for a spell. ³Shoot!" he said, "80 acres? Y'all know how big mah place is? I git up at six a.m., ah make muhself a thermos of coffee, ah jump into mah pickup, and ah haf to drive clear through muh lunch hour to git ta th'other side ah mah place! Whaddayuh think a that, Yank?
The Vermonter nodded, scratched his beard, and said, "Ay-uh...I had a car like that once

Masculine or Feminine ???
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like chalk' or pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

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One fine June day a snake met his old friend, the skunk, in the forest. "How are you doing?" asked the skunk. "I haven't seen you in a long time."
"All right, I guess," the snake replied, "except that I can hardly see. I'm going to get contact lenses."
The snake did just that, & several days later he met up with the skunk again. "Not only can I see perfectly now," he told his friend, "but my love life's improved."
"How can contact lenses improve your love life?"
"Simple," said the snake. "I just found out I've been living with a garden hose."

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.' "
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." .