ISSUE FIVE
THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:
A man was working on his motorcycle on
his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine
on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still
holding on to the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors
and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the
dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding,
the motorcycle laying next to him and the shattered patio door. The wife
ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because
they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights
of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After
the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife
up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled
on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline,
and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated and released
to come home. Upon arriving at home, he looked at the shattered patio
door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went
to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After
finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet
bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard
the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom
and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown
away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs
and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance.
The very same paramedic crew was dispatched
and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband
on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While
they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife,
one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them
slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down
the remaining stairs and broke his arm. (Taken from a Florida Newspaper.)
Now that is a bad day.
All I need to know I learned from Noah's Ark:
One. Don't miss the boat.
Two. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four. Stay
fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really
big.
Five. Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to
be done.
Six. Build your future on high ground.
Seven. For safety's sake travel in pairs.
Eight. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with
the cheetahs.
Nine. When you're stressed, float awhile.
Ten. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.
Speaking of ships...
A cruise ship sinks and three men make
it to an uninhabited island. The first man, a Christian, tears two branches
from a palm tree, creates a cross, and prays to the Lord to be saved from
the island.
The second man, a Muslim, pulls several
fronds from the palm tree, creates a mat, kneels facing Mecca, and prays
to Allah to save him.
The third man falls asleep under the palm
tree. The other two can't understand how this man could remain so calm
and serene and ask him how he could be so at ease.
He answers: "Two years ago I gave $1,000,000
to the Jewish Federation. Last year I gave $2,000,000. This year I pledged
$3,000,000. Don't worry, they'll find me."
Tales from the City.
A mother, accompanied by her small
daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when
her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on
a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both
climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what
are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"
The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting
for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange,
turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter
the truth. For crying out loud. They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the
daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course, dear. Where
do you think cabbies come from?"
Back to School.
One day the first grade teacher was
reading the story of the Chicken Little to her class. She came to the
part of the story where chicken little tried to warn the farmer. She read,
"...And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is
falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
"I think he said - "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"
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As the crowded airliner is about to take
off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment
to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed
mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously
and kick the seats around him. From the
rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General
walks slowly forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with
an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning
toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the
boy calms down, and sits quietly as his mother fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers are relieved and grateful; they smile and nod
at the General with gestures of thanks as he slowly makes his way back
to his seat.
One of the cabin attendants approaches the
General. "Excuse me, Sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what
magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and confides,
"I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and
explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door,
on any flight I choose."
English is a funny language....
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt
It's Not Just Their Voting!
The Florida State Department of Fish and
Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra
precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee,
Orange and Dade Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices
such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper
spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea
to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize
the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator
droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and
contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells
in them and smell like pepper spray.
You know your a true Vermonter when:
1. You only have 3 spices-salt, pepper and ketchup
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
4. You have 10 favorite recipes for venison
5. The Hardware is busier on any given Saturday than a toy store at Christmas
6. You live in a house with no front steps and the front door is 3 feet
above the ground
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in
with snow
8. You think everyone from the city has an accent
9. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with
only 8 buttons.
10. You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car
11. Most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun
12. You get your snow blower stuck on the roof
13. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday ( well in'it?)
14.You frequently have to clean the grease off your barbecue to keep the
bears from prowling on your deck
15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper
16. You have kept food cold by putting on the back porch
17. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name
18. There is only one shopping plaza in town
19. You find -20F a little chilly
20. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
21. You attend a formal event in your best clothes and finest jewelry
and snowmobile boots
22. You know the 4 seasons-almost winter, winter, still winter and construction
23. The town buys a zamboni before a bus
13 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 30 YEARS TO LEARN
by DAVE BARRY
1. Never, under ANY circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
10. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
11. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
13. Your friends love you anyway.
Also:
• Never lick a steak knife.
• Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
• There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
Strange and Useless Facts!
Most lipstick contains fish scales!
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum!
There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building! The
longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!
Porcupines float in water!
In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!
The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four
feet at all times!
Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours!
Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!
A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove! Thomas
Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!
During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the
weight of about 6 elephants!
A hummingbird weighs less than a penny!
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!
Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!
You're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only
have 206!
A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.!
Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe! Honeybees
have a type of hair on their eyes!
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The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event
that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his
essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy.
"He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN:
#10 They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown
or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags,
ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
#7 It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out
floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this:
The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right
front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being
chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered
with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is only about 45 mph.
#2 Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints,
$3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.
#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.