ISSUE SIX
READ THE DAMN INSTRUCTIONS!
These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular
soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion:
Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom
of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On package of Bread Pudding: Product will be hot
after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for an iron: Do not iron clothes
on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On children's cough medicine: Do not drive car
or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction
accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of
children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other
use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On a can of peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions:
open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
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You Know You Are Over The Hill When....
1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
2. Your underwear starts creeping up on you. and you enjoy it.
3. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
4. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In
that order.
5. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers
form a circle and start singing Cumbaya.
6. You keep repeating yourself.
7. You start video taping daytime game shows.
8. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a
month at a time.
9. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
10. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
11. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays
out.
12. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle. 13. Conversations
with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
14. You keep repeating yourself.
15. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
16. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky"
creeping into your vocabulary.
17. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
18. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
19. You look both ways before crossing a room.
20. Your social security number only has three digits.
21. You keep repeating yourself.
22. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
23. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.
24. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."
25. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
26. Your back goes out more than you do.
27. You keep repeating yourself.
28. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
29. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as "The Hi-Fi."
30. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
31. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your
last promotion.
32. The clothes you've put away until they come back in style...come back
in style.
33. You keep repeating...
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HUSBAND'S QUOTES:
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring,
wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither
God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked
at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power." Do
you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad:
That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife
Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second
guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive
way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would
go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son,
I'm still paying."
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FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand...you have different fingers.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
8. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
9. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
10. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
11. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
12. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
13. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going
the wrong way.
14. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
16. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
17. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
19. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
20. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"'Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.
SOME PASSING THOUGHTS
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when
you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower that you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they're always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental
illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must
be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've
go a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't you
biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I
didn't know there were any witnesses, now, I'll have to kill you too.
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Regan Library, and the Bill Clinton
Adult Bookstore.
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ON GENDER DIFFERENCES
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike,
Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each
throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will
have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under
the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man
will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect
to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated
by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and
secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
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MORE PUNS THANYOU'LL EVER NEED!
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying
two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says I'm sorry, gentlemen,
only one carrion allowed per passenger.
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of
Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the
world.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but
when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the
Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: I'm looking for the man
who shot my paw.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental
medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said,
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one
of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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NEW ENGLAND HUMAH:
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go.... The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time; still nothing... So he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"
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WORLDıS SHORTEST BOOKS
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS
- by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
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Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!" "Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?" Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like thi...damn! There goes another one!"