ISSUE SEVEN

JOKES

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

LIFE'S REFLECTIONS

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
4. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
5. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 73 now and we have no idea where she is.
7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
8. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
9. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes are shopping at the mall. When they are done they go out to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.
''HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!''
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A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
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An old man in his eighties got up and put on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why, are you sick?" "No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are YOU going?" She said "I"m going to the doctor too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
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Edna's husband had passed on. She was so distraught she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was fine and he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her. "Is there anything he needs?" Edna asked. The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He says, I'd love a package of cigarettes." "I'll send them immediately," Edna said joyfully. "But did he give an address?" "No. But he didn't ask for matches."
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JOKES

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
"Hey, nice belt!"

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.

Marge was telling her friend Grace how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. "I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked.
"He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied.
"How was he going to do it?"
"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea."
"So what did he end up with?"
"Ten years to life."

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Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

RADAR OH REALLY

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

PICTURE PERFECT CRIME

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

THAT'S THE TICKET!!!!!

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

MISCELLANEOUS

Bizarre International Laws
In China, you must be intelligent in order to go to college.
In Denmark, no one may start a car while someone is underneath the vehicle.
In France, no pig may be addressed as Napoleon by its owner.
In Israel, picking your nose is illegal.
In Norway, you may not spay your female dog or cat. However, you may neuter the males of the species.
In Scotland, it is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow.
In Sweden, while prostitution is legal, it is illegal for any- one to use the services of a prostitute.
In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.

CHURCH NEWS

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

BIRD IN A KILTED CAGE

The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle. After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'. The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect working order'.

BRIGHT SIGNS! How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth. LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes. AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....
PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?

SIGNS THAT YOU'VE ALREADY HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 21ST CENTURY....
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
14. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

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A punked out kid is walking through the park. He's got an orange mohawk haircut with 14 inch spikes, a couple dozen nose and ear piercings, and a few tatoos. He sits down on a bench next to an old man. The old man, leaning on his cane, turns and stares at his profile. After a couple minutes the punk turns to him and says, "What's the matter old man? Haven't you ever done anything wild and crazy in your life?"
"Yes," said the old man wistfully, "yes, I have: About twenty years ago I drank a bottle of bourbon, smoked a joint, and ended up having sex with a parrot. And I was just wondering if you might be my son."